I came from Eretz Yisroel to America as a bochur. Since my family were not living here, I often needed to find a place to go for Shabbosim and Yomim Tovim. As a bochur (which I was for a while…) I would go often to the homes of rabbeim and Roshei Yeshiva, who were kind, gracious, and opened their homes to me, and for that I am forever thankful.

Eating at the home of R’ Yisroel Neuman and R’ Dovid Schustal, Roshei Yeshiva at Beis Medrash Govoha, I learned so much. Of course, we spoke in learning a great deal and I benefited from that. Yet more than that I learned what true tznius is about, what leading a modest lifestyle meant, being kind, humble, accessible, and treating everyone with dignity, were all things I remember to this day. They taught me what to aspire to.

I will never forget spending the Pesach Seder at the home of Ha’Gaon R’ Shlomo Feivel Schustal. This was not a seder for Talmidim, it was for family. The very notion that someone would let me in on such an intimate, unique to a family event, is something that will resonate with me for the rest of my life. The powerful lesson of “Kol Dichfin”, not being just a line for a pshetel, but an actual statement that has a backing is something we can all learn from. Yes, there were beautiful divrei Torah said at the table, and so much to be said for the enthusiasm with which the questions, answers, and divrei Torah were recited with, but it is the kindness that will resonate with me more than anything.

When speaking to a dear cousin of mine who is a maggid shiur in one of the most prominent Litvishe yeshivos in Eretz Yisroel, I told him the following: “in ten years from now, not one student of yours will remember anything that you said in any shiur. If, however, you take a student aside, ask them how they are doing and what you can do to help, they will remember that conversation in one hundred years from now”. Indeed, he agreed.

Leaders in our community, whether rabbiem, Kollel families, balebatim, those who teach girls, or those who teach boys, need to know the importance modeling has on Chinuch. Chinuch cannot be contained to the beis medrash of the shiur room, it never has been. Young students need to

When moving to America I was surprised by the contrast between how much more shiur from a rebbe mattered to bochrim in America than it did in Eretz Yisroel where independent learning was valued more. Today, there is no question in my mind that for a bochur debating if shiur is better or sader is better, I would say the best answer is, a Shabbos table is much better. Find yourself a rebbe. It can be the one in your Yeshiva but it does not have to be. You should never feel embarrassed to reach out to a rebbe outside your own Yeshiva. It can also be a new rebbe every week like I had at times. Find yourself a role model you can see.

To this day I am thankful I learned so much halacha and psak in Yeshiva, yet nothing prepared me for the Shaylas I get and interacting with others the way I was zoche to see Rabbi Ya’akov Neuburger Mara De’asra of Teaneck, NJ, respond to shaylos and address questions in psak that came his way. Seeing how he listen, was sensitive, asked for relevant details and worked through the reasons for his psak was something that no sefer could have prepared me for. In an age of a the commercialization of Torah education, we must make sure our educational system does not take the soul out of the Torah. We must make sure that young men and women receiving Torah education get it with a personal, warm, real, and practical way. We cannot confine learning to the shtender, learning should take place at the table and elsewhere. In prewar Europe it was very common for Bochrim to go on walks with their rabbeim, eat at their home, or even go with them on a visit to the local butcher or shalcht-hoyze. As important as rebbe Talmid relationships are, lacking a personal component to them, they lose most of their meaning.

As a young bochur learning in Brooklyn, I had the tremendous zchus of being a ben bayis at the home of R’ Yisroel Reisman, Rosh Yeshiva of Torah Ve’Daas. The chessed and genuine kindness I had witnessed while having Shabbos se’udos at the home of R’ Yisroel Reisman, imparted me with lessons I will never forget. Learning how to speak to people regardless of who they are, knowing that it is possible to be a shul rov, rosh yeshiva, very public personality, and so much more and still know that you could attend to every detail, return phone calls, make sure a child at your table gets a cake for their birthday, listen to a dvar Torah of someone who thinks they know more then you with patience and a smile, caring to see in what way you can help a Talmid who doesn’t even know his rebbe is asking others to see if he can help, and so much more, will forever be with me.

Not long ago, I shared with a Rebbetzin whose Shabbos table I would frequent, how much I appreciated her kind hospitality. I told her I especially appreciate it now when people ask me to join us for Shabbos last minute, which is not always easy, reflecting on the many times I would ask her late in the week if I can come for Shabbos, not thinking much of it. She responded with a smile and said: “it was a always a pleasure having you…even Shabbos Hagadol”. While I was not able to understand the tircha I was causing her by joining them last minute on the Shabbos before Pesach, there was also no way in which she and her husband, a prominent Rosh Yeshiva and Posek, would allow me to feel that it was a tircha. It was always besever panim yafos. That is a lesson I look up to, to this very day. Sure, at the table there were many divrei Torah at the table and much to be learned from the Rosh Yeshiva. More than anything, what I had learned was how to be mekabel people besever panim yafos. I could have heard all the Toros about the Mishna that says to do so, no one taught me it in practice like they had.

I could learn all I wanted about Areiyvus and caring for others, whether they belong to my community or not, but nothing prepared me for this like observing first-hand Rabbi Benjamin Yudin, Moroh De’asra of Fair Lawn, NJ, and seeing the lengths he went to help other Jews in their time of need. I could have learned all I wanted in the Beis Medrash, no one could have taught me what the holiness of Shabbos is about, like when I sat at the Shabbos table of Hagaon Rav Aharon Schechter, Rosh Yeshiva at Yeshivas Rabbi Chaim Berlin.

These are but few of the lessons I have learned when coming into close contact with rabbeim, some of who I had learned by in a formal capacity, most of whom I did not. Some of whom I have mentioned, and many of whom I did not. As I recognize who much of my Yiddishkeit and spiritual life to this day are inspired by my Yeshiva years (which I do not consider to be over), I realize the power of the real-life lessons I learned from rabbeim and gedoley Yisroel. If we want to educate and inspired generation which will take up leadership roles in Klal Yisroel, in Chessed, Limud Hatorah, being Osek Betzorchei Tzibur, and so much more, we must urge younger students to take advantage of these opportunities.

Young people must make sure to seek out these opportunities. While shiurim and chavrusas may be offered to you on a silver plate, opportunities for shimush and observing good role models is something you will need to, and must, seek out. Mechanchim and mechanchos, rabbeim in Yeshiva, and balebatim who are osek betzorchei tzibur must make sure they afford Beni Torah these opportunities. We must make sure our tables are not just tables, but shtenders we can learn with.

Rabbi Elchanan Poupko is a rabbi, a mechanech, and a writer. He lives with his wife in New York City.