Posted on 10/09/23
It's difficult to digest the disastrous surprise attack we suffered on Shabbat. Among the many challenges we now face, we may be wondering how to carry on with our children. My mother-in-law, family therapist Ziva Meir, has some suggestions which, in my opinion, are appropriate not only for parents, but for anyone else as well.
1. First of all, self-awareness. Look out for your own well-being and stability. Otherwise, how can you be there for your child? Take a deep breath before you rush to speak with your kids.
2. Don't lie to your children. Stop saying, "Everything is going to be okay." Of course you are not going to expose them to all the horrific details of what happened, but never lie.
3. Accurately interpret what goes on for your kids. Children react to what they see and hear, but not always with proper understanding. One little girl only understood after an explanation from her mother that the explosion she heard was a rocket blown up by the Iron Dome. Upon learning this, the girl exclaimed, "That means the boom we hear is good and not scary" and how she related to the sound of a boom immediately changed. An aside: When speaking with your children, look them in the eye and not at your cell phone.
4. To watch frightening videos is to bring trauma on yourself and on your children. Decide if creating instant trauma with one click is something you really want.
5. Be active. Doing things gives you strength, releases tension, and connects you to reality.
6. At times like this, it is helpful to have a Biblical verse or a saying that we repeat to ourselves in especially difficult moments. Someone told me that she has frequently been singing words of a well-known song, as follows: "The eternal people are not afraid of a long road." My mother-in-law said the words that accompany her are taken from a verse in the psalm we recite throughout the holidays of Tishrei: "He will shelter me in his sukkah on an evil day." We are not promised a fancy or solid dwelling, but a rickety hut that -- for two thousand years -- has fallen many times but is always rebuilt. And even in our most difficult moments, we are not alone, but always sheltered by HaShem. Do you have special words you take along wherever you go?
7. Finally, take the above suggestions with a grain of salt. Our goal, after all, is not to be perfect but simply to rely on ourselves and on our parental instinct.
May we hear only good news.